Excuses

No one has to give me their excuses or reasons why they can't eat properly, work out, or lose weight.  I get it.  I'm the queen of excuses.  My middle name is "I can't."  In fact months ago, my trainer, Flaminia ("Fla"), forbid me from uttering those words ever again.  She got tired of hearing them.  I didn't realize how many times I said those words every single day until she pointed it out to me.  Instead of trying, my initial response has always been "I can't."  It's always much easier to utter those words than to even try doing something, particularly if it's new or difficult.

When I was a few months into my weight-loss program under Weight Watchers, and I was steadily losing weight, one of the things I kept saying was, "I could never have done this when I was working."  I convinced myself that was true.  I realize now that this idea was my way of justifying why it had taken me so long to work on my weight: Of course I couldn't lose weight, it was my job that was stopping me.  It was draining me, zapping my energy, how could I work on my weight at the same time?  Although my job was a huge factor, it was not entirely to blame.  This became perfectly clear when after a year and a half in retirement - with nothing to do with my time - I was still 300 lbs. and I had lost not even one pound in all that time.  Not one pound.  The only time I started seeing a change in my life was when I actually made the effort to actively do something about it. 

I'm incredibly grateful to Fla for showing me the way, helping me, and pushing me (I describe her influence on my life throughout this blog).  I could never thank her enough, but the reality is that I'm the only one who did all the work.  No one did it for me.  I'm the one who kept going to the gym every day when I didn't want to go or I was in pain.  I was the one who kept scheduling sessions with Fla, who listened to her (eventually), and applied what Fla was advising me.  I'm the one who chose to keep trying even when I had to start from scratch over and over again because life got in the way.  I'm the one who made healthier meals for myself.  No one did any of this for me.  It was completely up to me and me alone.  Fla was instrumental in showing me the way and pushing me kicking and screaming to success, but I'm the one who decided to do the work, she couldn't do it for me.  So the question I keep asking myself now is, "WHY didn't I do this for myself before - when I was younger?"

Yes, I understand that I'm fortunate to be retired and that I don't have the stressors of taking care of a family, particularly children, but none of what I've done during this journey came naturally.  I had to work and struggle for every single pound I lost.  It wasn't magic, it was a lot of hard work.   It wasn't easy to change my lifestyle after more than 30 years of bad habits either. 

I gave my career 200% of myself, I'd work 10-12 hours a day and the last few years of my career a lot more than that.  Many times I'd work weekends and holidays, too.  I could work a full day and take work home to do while I watched TV.  No one forced me to do that.  I chose to do it.  What did I have to show for it by the time I retired?  A 300-lb. frame, a boring, lethargic, and unhealthy life.  WHY did I do that to myself?   Whenever I do anything at all, I put my all into it and my personal needs suffer because I neglect myself completely.  I let my house go (for another blog!), I let myself go, I let everything go.  If someone had analyzed my life closely, they would have seen a woman who just gave up on herself.  My animals were the only thing in my life that I NEVER neglected in any way, shape, or form.  I love my critters and it's my responsibility to take care of them.  I often asked myself why I couldn't love myself to the same degree, too.  I guess I felt I wasn't worth it.

I realize now that when I was working, even if I couldn't do what I'm doing now to the same degree because I have more time now, I could have done something.  Instead I did nothing.  The reality is I chose not to even try. 

For example, I told myself I couldn't work out in the mornings because I'm not a morning person.  Instead of staying up until midnight or later, why didn't I go to sleep earlier so I could get up earlier and just walk outside or go to the gym for an hour.  There were short periods of time where I'd walk in the evenings, but I never stayed with it for long.  Even if I had done that a few times a week, it would have been better than doing nothing at all which was my life for years.

When I sat in front of my TV for hours every night after work, why didn't I go into the kitchen and make a healthy meal?  I could even have made a healthy lunch for the next day to take to work.  I could've put a TV in the kitchen if I really wanted to watch TV that badly.  Today I take my laptop into the kitchen with me and I watch stuff online when I'm in there for awhile.  Or I put my radio on.  Why didn't I do that before?   On weekends when I chose to sleep and do nothing, why didn't I cook healthy meals for the rest of the week or go walk around the block?   Some gyms are open late every night and even some are open 24 hours.  Anything would have been better than what I did for years, which was nothing.  Maybe if I had done something even a few times a week, I would never have reached 300 lbs. so that it became an overwhelming journey to start by the time I got around to working on my weight.

I see my old self now in some people who flock to me wanting to know how I lost the weight so they can do it, too.  I tell them what I've done and how I've done it, I've emailed information and meal ideas, suggestions, I've answered all of their questions.  I tell everyone about MyFitnessPal.com (for tracking calories) which is free.  There's one woman in particular to whom I sent the MyFitnessPal.com link several times because she keeps losing it.  Seven months later, she still hasn't made any changes to her lifestyle and she's still asking me for the link because, once again, she's lost the last email I sent her. I keep wondering where she'd be today if she had started doing something about her weight all those months ago.  I've offered to take a few of these people to my gym as a guest and I've even given out Fla's number because they're eager to have her help them the way she's helped me.  Months later I run into some of these people and they've made no changes at all, no one's taken me up on the guest pass, and no one's called Fla. Instead, they tell me how they envy me and that they wish they could do the same as I'm doing. 

I don't fault them, of course, because I understand it perfectly.  I was that person for decades.  I used to envy people who were able to do it and I used to wish I could do the same, too.  But now I realize that while I was envying them, those people who succeeded were eating healthy foods and working out while I sat on the sofa wishing I could do it, too.  There was nothing to envy, wishing wasn't enough.  It wasn't going to magically happen just by wishing it.  I could've succeeded, too, but I never bothered to do anything about it for long.  The only reason I can think of why I failed for so long is that I didn't think enough of myself to actually do something about it because whenever I wanted something else in my life badly enough, I got it done.

So what I'm trying to say to people now is this:  stop making excuses and do something to improve your life.  Just start slow, make a few changes here and there and keep building on it.  Don't give up, keep trying.  Doing anything is better than doing nothing.  No one has to tell me it's not an easy road.  I know first hand, but what I also know now is how fabulous it feels to succeed.  I wish I could share how it actually feels with everybody who needs to lose weight because you'll be amazed at what you're missing out on.  So stop saying you can't and just try.  It's so worth it.