I always joke with my friends that the universe must get really bored at times and that's when it starts having fun at my expense, much like a cat playing with a mouse. Needless to say, I'm the mouse.
Almost immediately after publishing this blog telling the internet world how great I was doing, the universe threw me for a loop yet again and I started to struggle. When I struggle, it means binging and gaining weight. I posted a couple of entries describing my struggles in October 2015. I can struggle for a day, a couple of days, but this particular episode lasted several weeks. In an effort to understand my behavior, I researched and learned about binging disorder, an actual condition listed in the bible for the psychiatric community, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition ("DSM-V"). I explain this condition in more detail in my October 16, 2015, post titled, "Still struggling, but hanging in there."
It was then that I realized that I indeed suffer from a legitimate mental condition when it comes to food, something that affects a small percentage of the population. I always took it for granted that everyone who's obese had the same binging episodes as I did. I self-diagnosed, of course, and it's a bit daunting to realize I have a "mental condition," but I'm pretty confident that I fit into this diagnosis' box.
When
I'm in a binging episode, I'm completely out of control, much like someone
possessed by an unknown entity. Once I
understood this disorder and recognized why and when I binge, I've been able to
control it better. I can't honestly say
I've conquered it, but I'm doing better in dealing with the emotional baggage
that triggers it. When I'm motivated, staying on track is second nature and I wonder why I was ever fat in the first place. When I'm having a binging episode, I wonder how I ever succeeded in losing any weight at all. It's during these times that it's just sheer determination that keeps me from losing all control as it pertains to food.
People
who've marvelled at my transformation often tell me that they wish they
could succeed in losing weight, too, but that life gets in the way whenever they try and they give up. They seem to be under the delusion that it's been an easy path for me, a clear way to success from beginning to the present. If this is what they think, they're sadly mistaken. I explain to them that my
journey has been plagued with problems, setbacks, trials, and tribulations. In addition to my own emotional baggage that triggers binging, I'm constantly dealing with setbacks out of my control, too. The key is to NEVER GIVE UP!
Even when I lose my way, I now know it's only a momentary deviation and that I have no other choice but to get back on track once life's storms are over. Because what's the alternative? To let the universe win, give up, and return to my old self? That can't ever happen. Not now when I know what it feels like to be on this side of the scale. Definitely not now after how much work it's taken me to get here. So my only choice is to keep struggling and succeed - or, at the very least, stay status quo. There's an old saying from the 50s, "Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans." So true indeed!
Even when I lose my way, I now know it's only a momentary deviation and that I have no other choice but to get back on track once life's storms are over. Because what's the alternative? To let the universe win, give up, and return to my old self? That can't ever happen. Not now when I know what it feels like to be on this side of the scale. Definitely not now after how much work it's taken me to get here. So my only choice is to keep struggling and succeed - or, at the very least, stay status quo. There's an old saying from the 50s, "Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans." So true indeed!
In
any event, despite my struggles after publishing my blog, I've been losing
weight again, albeit slowly. Excruciatingly slow. When I started working closely with Flaminia ("Fla"), my trainer, in late 2014, I started dropping an average of 7 to 10 lbs. a month. In the last several months, however, I've been losing 0 to 4 lbs. a month if I was lucky. I was stuck
in the 180s for many weeks and I was
getting frustrated. Then a few weeks ago I became violently ill with mysterious abdominal pain (still undergoing tests to determine the cause) and as a result, I lost a bunch of
weight that pushed me into the 170s. It wasn't intentional, but I couldn't eat for days and then I was on a restrictive diet for an additional few days once I could keep food down. The result was I dropped about 8 lbs. in less than two weeks. I wasn't even hungry either. As
soon as I returned to eating a normal diet, however, I started to gain it back which I knew I would.
It was at this point that I decided to use my recent illness as an omen to jump start my motivation again. I've never been perfect on my calories, but now I felt I had to do much better than ever before. I hadn't seen the 170s in decades and I didn't want to go back to the 180s again. Consequently, I'm newly motivated and I've been doing really well. I'm not skipping meals or anything like that. In fact, over the weekend I went to dinner with friends and splurged big time so I'm not depriving myself entirely, I'm just being extra careful to stay within calories.
Fla put me on 1,500 calories a day back in November 2014 and I've been consuming about 1,500 to 1,700 a day since. The extra 200 calories was credited to me because of all the working out I was doing, although Fla didn't like that one bit. A few days ago I dropped my daily calories to 1,300 a day which means I'm eating up to 1,500 calories a day now (thanks to the credited calories for working out), exactly what Fla put me on over a year ago. It's a psychological game at this point. I can't be perfect when it comes to food, and if I "cheat" a little, I do better overall. It's a way of being rebellious without spiting myself. With this in mind, if I see my maximum range on paper as 1,300 calories allowed each day, I can still "cheat" a little and stay within the 1,500 calories Fla put me on in the first place. It's kind of like setting your clock 5 or 10 minutes ahead so you won't be late to appointments. They're harmless games we play with ourselves and if they work, so what? In any case, I'm going to try this range and see how it goes.
It was at this point that I decided to use my recent illness as an omen to jump start my motivation again. I've never been perfect on my calories, but now I felt I had to do much better than ever before. I hadn't seen the 170s in decades and I didn't want to go back to the 180s again. Consequently, I'm newly motivated and I've been doing really well. I'm not skipping meals or anything like that. In fact, over the weekend I went to dinner with friends and splurged big time so I'm not depriving myself entirely, I'm just being extra careful to stay within calories.
Fla put me on 1,500 calories a day back in November 2014 and I've been consuming about 1,500 to 1,700 a day since. The extra 200 calories was credited to me because of all the working out I was doing, although Fla didn't like that one bit. A few days ago I dropped my daily calories to 1,300 a day which means I'm eating up to 1,500 calories a day now (thanks to the credited calories for working out), exactly what Fla put me on over a year ago. It's a psychological game at this point. I can't be perfect when it comes to food, and if I "cheat" a little, I do better overall. It's a way of being rebellious without spiting myself. With this in mind, if I see my maximum range on paper as 1,300 calories allowed each day, I can still "cheat" a little and stay within the 1,500 calories Fla put me on in the first place. It's kind of like setting your clock 5 or 10 minutes ahead so you won't be late to appointments. They're harmless games we play with ourselves and if they work, so what? In any case, I'm going to try this range and see how it goes.
So as of today,
January 19, 2016, I hit two important milestones:
1) When I began this journey in December 2012,
the best I hoped for was losing about 50 lbs.
I never dreamed I could do even that, let alone lose more. In the back of my mind I knew I was
facing having to lose 130 - 150 lbs. to reach my ideal weight. It was a far away, impossible goal. A total fantasy. As of today, I've lost 133 lbs. which means
I'm in that range now. I would never
have believed it could happen, but here I am.
2) My Body Mass Index ("BMI") at my
heaviest weight was 43.9 which put me in the "morbidly obese" category. If I was shorter, I would've been in the "super morbidly obese" range so my height saved me a bit. BMI takes into
account your weight in relationship to your height. It's not a completely accurate designator of
someone's weight range, but it's one used commonly. Today I weigh 173
lbs. and as of this very moment (can't speak of tomorrow), my BMI is 24.9 which for my height (5'10), puts me in the "normal" category.
I haven't been "normal" since I was in my late teens/early 20s. And even then everyone told me I was fat. When I weighed 150 lbs. in my early 20s, a perfect weight for my height, people told me I was fat. I didn't stay at this weight very long, but I let people put me down and I remember thinking, "What's the point? I'll never be thin enough." They were wrong, but I listened to them. It infuriates me now to think how I let people make me feel bad about myself when in actuality I was at a healthy, normal weight. In any case, as of today, at least on paper I am FINALLY considered "NORMAL." I can no longer be called fat, overweight, obese, or morbidly obese (words used to describe me for decades) according to these BMI charts. It could change tomorrow - the universe could be getting bored and looking for a mouse to play with, but as of today, I'm NORMAL. My initial reaction is to celebrate with champagne (I love champagne) but then that would defeat the purpose because I'd be consuming lots of empty calories. Ugh, you just can't win when it comes to fighting weight issues!
These
two milestones are motivating me to keep doing better. During my journey, the more success I see, the more it motivates me to keep improving. I told my friends today, "I'm only 4
lbs. away from the 160s and I'm going to get there if I have to cut off my own
head to do it!" They told me decapitation
won't be necessary because they're positive I'll make it.
I hope they're right!
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