"Shopping for clothes must be so much fun now!"

The biggest "problem" I've encountered during my weight-loss journey (135 lbs. so far) has been keeping clothes.

Ironically, this had been my problem for decades when I was forced to buy bigger and bigger clothes as I continued to balloon, but this time around, my problem was for the opposite reason.  It was unknown territory for me, to be dropping sizes instead of going the other way.

   

When I started on Weight Watchers ("WW") in late 2012 weighing about 300 lbs., a number I had seen on the scale for over a decade, I owned tons of clothes that were strewn all over my house.  My two tiny closets were bulging with clothes to the point where it was hard to pull anything out and I also had two clothes racks in the spare bedroom with more clothes hanging on them.  Anyone who saw all these clothes would have naturally assumed I was obsessed with clothes.  I wasn't.  I never was and I'm still not.  I just kept outgrowing everything quickly as I continued to gain weight.  There were brief periods of time here and there where I'd lose some weight, usually 20 or 30 lbs. at a time (the most I lost once was about 45 lbs.), and could wear some of my old clothes again, but losing weight for me was always fleeting.  In the blink of an eye, I always gained it all back plus more. 

I had clothes in every conceivable size between 18 to 28.  I had two plastic containers full of jeans in dark blue, light blue, white, gray, and black - none of which I could wear.  In fact, I stopped wearing jeans altogether for many years because they used to be made of thick denim and they were heavy, uncomfortable, and restricting as big as I was.  I put them away in plastic bins, tucked these in the back of my closet, and completely forgot about them.  

Despite gaining more and more weight, I kept all these clothes because there was always the hope in the back of my head that some day, when I regained my senses, I could wear them again although, in reality, I didn't believe it for one second that I would ever lose the weight.  I kept these clothes much like we save old things we keep for nostalgia even though they're not of any use to us in the present.  But there was always that tiny bit of hope that "some day," by some magical miracle, I could lose weight even though I continued to head the opposite way on the scale. 

Whenever I travelled, particularly with coworkers, it was especially difficult because if I forgot something, like a jacket, where would I be able to buy one?  My travelling companions could go anywhere they liked to shop for clothes, but not me.  In a huge mall with a hundred clothes shops, I was relegated to just one, Lane Bryant, assuming that particular mall had that store.  So my only recourse was to pack everything I might possibly need which meant more suitcases.  When you wear huge sizes, they take up a lot of room.  I always looked like a diva when I travelled because I'd have several suitcases.  The irony was that I probably took less clothes than most people.   It was just a lot of fabric to compensate for the huge sizes I was wearing.  

After I clicked with my trainer, Flaminia ("Fla"), in late 2014, and we started working closely together (i.e., I started listening to her), my body began to shrink so fast that I was forced to get rid of everything many times over.  And I mean everything.  The only clothes I could keep were socks and shoes and even then some shoes became a bit too loose to wear as my feet shrank as well. 

The speed in which my body was shrinking was unbelievable.  During 14 months working closely with Fla, I lost more than 95 lbs.  After Fla moved to New York in January 2016, I started working out with Tunde, my present trainer.  Thanks to Tunde, although the scale hasn't changed since January, I continued to lose inches and my body fat percentage dropped, albeit in a much slower pace as I get closer to my goal.  When you're huge, you tend to lose a lot and quickly, but as you get closer to your goal, things slow down quite a bit.  It can still be done, it just gets a bit harder.

During my journey, I'd buy new clothes and within two months, they'd become obsolete.  There were many clothes I never even got to wear because I shrunk too fast after I bought them.  I got to the point where I started buying things in smaller sizes so I'd have something to wear once I reached that size.  On those occasions where I found something I really, really liked, I bought a couple of them in different sizes, one I could wear now and the other in a smaller size I could wear when I lost some more weight.  But even these smaller clothes became too baggy in a matter of a few months.  During my time with Fla, I only bought a few items here and there, a couple pairs of jeans, a few blouses, because I had no idea how long I'd keep them.  Mostly I stocked up on work out outfits because these became my daily attire more often than not.

When I reached size 14/16, I made a very, very expensive mistake by buying a ton of clothes in those sizes thinking that was the smallest I'd ever get.  After all, my normal was 18/20 before and to be 14/16 now was a huge accomplishment.  How could I ever wear anything smaller?  Certainly I'd never reach a size 12 again!  I was wrong and I continued to shrink.  In my wildest dreams, I never anticipated I'd be wearing a size 10, which is my "normal" now.  The last time I wore a size 10, I was in my late teens/very early 20s after having lost a bunch of weight, but that only lasted a very short time.  I often joke that it was only for a week, but I'm not too far off in saying that.

I did keep a handful of items in my largest sizes though.  Fla told me to burn them but I told her, "No, I'm keeping these as a reminder of where I was, where I never want to be ever again, and to prove to myself how far I've come."  Periodically I pull these articles of clothing (what I call "elephant clothes") down and put them on so I can stand in front of the mirror and marvel at the results of my hard work.  I still can't believe that at one time I was that huge.  I mean, I KNOW I was huge but these clothes are undeniable evidence of just how badly I let myself go for way too long.  I'm a visual person so to actually see my transformation with my own eyes is priceless.  I wish now that I had taken photographs throughout my journey standing in the same place, in the same pose, to compare my shrinking body as time passed, much like a picture flip book.  But then again I never anticipated to succeed at all, let alone as much as I ultimately did. 

The most fascinating thing to me that keeps happening is that even though intellectually I know I'm wearing a much smaller size, when I go clothes shopping, I continue to gravitate to the bigger sizes.  There's a little part of me that doesn't quite believe I've succeeded.  I often pick up something in my current size and I think, "This is way too small!  I can't fit this!" but I grudgingly take it to the dressing room and sure enough it fits.  In fact, sometimes the article of clothing is too big on me.  It's been unreal.  

There was one particular garment I remember, a white jeans jacket.  I walked by the display and it caught my eye.  I wanted to try it on but all they had was large and they looked so tiny to me.  I was looking for an XL or better yet an XXL.  No luck.  I was really disappointed and walked away.  Then I thought, what the heck, let me try it on.  Imagine my surprise when not only did it fit, but it was too big on me!  I kept looking at the label to see if I had read it correctly.  I had.  Unfortunately, they didn't have it in a medium either.  Nowadays when I look at something in a larger size, I have to convince myself, "Nope, that's not me anymore."

Many people have said this to me along the way:  "Shopping for clothes must be SOOO much fun now!"   It was at first, but then it wasn't anymore.  In fact, it recently became a horrible ordeal.  The smallest size I wore since my mid 20s was a size 18.   This size could still be found in big department stores and some clothes shops, but once I had to go to bigger sizes, the availability of bigger sizes became more and more narrowed until finally I could only shop at a handful of "plus size" stores.  Before the internet was invented, I was only exposed to a few stores that catered to obese people.  It was even harder to find business clothes.  I remember thinking that if I could afford it, I'd start a company to sell only business attire and dressy clothes to large sized women, not so much as a profit-making venture as making clothes available to people like me who were finding it nearly impossible to find clothes for work or special functions.   

During my weight-loss journey, I continued to shop at these "plus size" stores because they all carry sizes 14 and above.  A couple even carry a size 12.  Once I reached a size 12, I lost a few of my regular stores because they didn't carry this size, but I could still continue shopping at the rest of my familiar stores.  However, once I reached a size 10, I had to move on.  As I stated earlier in my blog, I used to resent being limited to these "plus size" stores, a designation that means pretty much, "You're not normal so you're not allowed to shop where everybody else does."  I was very resentful that I was too abnormal to shop like everybody else.  However, once I shrunk my way out of these "plus size" stores, I felt like I was losing a dear friend.  Despite resenting these stores, I'm so grateful they even existed.

You'd think finally being able to shop anywhere would become an amazing experience.  I thought I'd be elated, too - until I ventured out on my very first shopping trip looking for clothes in my current size.  Imagine my surprise when I became so stressed and overwhelmed that I left the store without buying anything.  In fact, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.  I didn't understand my reaction and tagged it to having an off day.  I didn't want to try again, but I needed clothes for the rare lunch or dinner date with friends.  I couldn't buy clothes online because I didn't really know what size I wore anymore and I really had to try the garments on to see how they fit.  A week later I tried again and figured that it would be a better experience because I knew what to expect.  This time I went to a couple of stores and although my second trip was a bit better and I actually tried on a few garments at each store, the same thing happened and once again I left with no purchases made because I felt overwhelmed.

I was very annoyed at myself because I didn't know what was happening with me.  For God's sake, I thought, I worked so hard to lose so much weight, why would the one thing that I was looking forward to doing (i.e., clothes shopping at a regular store like "normal" people) become such a negative experience?  I was confused.  When I started to analyze my reaction, I realized why:

In the "plus shop" stores, which are relatively small, I was limited to four walls.  Whatever was displayed within those four walls were my choices and I was only limited to my current size.  Styles and color, not that there are really that many choices anyway, didn't really matter because I was at the point where just finding something I could fit into was good enough.  I could walk through the entire store, try on a few items, and walk out with purchases (assuming I found something to buy) within an hour, and usually faster than that.  At this point I didn't much care how things looked on me because when you reach a certain weight, nothing looks good.  Clothes fit more like mumus or tents because you have no real shape.  My mother used to call it looking like a square.  Although not the nicest thing to say to me, she was right, my body really did look like a big square.

However, now I had a shape.  In fact, people often comment on my hourglass shape, as in "where did THAT come from?!"  Now that I was wearing a size 10, I had unlimited choices and it was overwhelming.  For example, for my first shopping trip, I went to Macy's because I had coupons and I could earn points on my rewards card.  I realized soon enough that now I had at least two FLOORS worth of clothes to look through in every conceivable color, fabric, size, and style.  Not only that, each label was split into different sections.  There were sections for Michael Kors, Calvin Klein, and other fashion names.  Each section had its own styles, colors, and sizes.  Looking for pants I discovered that I had to decide on various choices for each  label, too!  There were capris jeans, long jeans, skinny jeans, wide leg jeans, boot cut jeans, ripped jeans, regular jeans, jeans with 5 pockets, jeans with 3 pockets, jeans with no pockets, jeans with decorative things on them, plain jeans, etc.  Most of these came in different colors, too.  And then there was the issue of size depending on the cut of the item not to mention the label who designed it.  With this label I could fit into a 10, but this other label I couldn't even fit into a 12.  The floor space was huge, too.  In fact, I got lost walking around because I couldn't remember where I had seen the fitting rooms or find which way I had come in.  I had spent over an hour just looking and walking in circles.  It was overwhelming and I left empty handed.   

For my third shopping trip, I knew now what to expect and I understood why I found it overwhelming.  Knowing why I react to things the way I do, it often (not always) tends to help me deal with the issue at hand.  On this trip, I told myself to concentrate on finding one article of clothing:  a pair of white jeans.  Being limited to one specific article of clothing made it easier.  Although I had no expectations of finding the right pair, I found the perfect pair that fit wonderfully.  I love these jeans and I'd wear them 24/7 if I could. 

In fact, I loved them so much that I went back and got some more in other colors.  On this, my fourth trip, I went a bit nuts and bought many things.  I've been clothes shopping a few times since and I FINALLY find shopping for clothes a fun experience even though it takes me a few hours because of all the choices available to me. 

On a total whim, one Saturday afternoon before heading home after running errands, I stopped off at Macy's to try on dresses and gowns.  Once again, there was an entire floor with just these garments in all styles, colors, and labels.  By this time, however, I knew what to expect and I just went for fun so there was no pressure to find anything.  I hadn't worn a dress in over 20 years nor a gown in over 30 years.  The reason I wanted to try these on was to see if I really did wear a size 10.  I didn't quite believe I did even though I had new clothes proving I did.  Most of the dresses and gowns I tried on were in fact in a size 10, with a few being in a size 12 because of their cut.  I had absolutely no intentions of buying anything, but left the store with a couple of dresses I'll probably never have any reason to wear.  I did not, however, buy a gown because I definitely have no reason to wear one.  Trying on the gowns was just for fun and I had a blast that Saturday afternoon modeling at least a dozen dresses for myself.

The day I chose to do this shopping field trip, the store was packed because it was prom season and there were several weddings, too.  Normally I'd never have the patience to stand in line to go into a fitting room, but on this day I was having fun and I didn't mind waiting for an empty room.  I took selfies in the dressing room of a few dresses/gowns I tried on and sent them to Fla and some friends, too.  I later showed the photos to Tunde as well.  I got a lot of amazing reactions.  Unfortunately, my phone crashed before I could upload those photos into my computer so I lost them.  Oh, well, I'll just have to go back and redo it all again some day!

Today I had to shop for bras again because I've shrunk quite a bit since the last time I bought some.  Unfortunately, when you lose a lot of weight, you shrink everywhere.  I had absolutely no idea what size bra I wore.  I always hated shopping for bras and now even more so.  They never seem to fit properly anyway.  I had been putting it off for months because I knew it'd be a time consuming trip and I was right.  It was not fun at all, but it was something I needed to do.

So clothes shopping has become fun now (although I still hate shopping for bras) and I expect to spend several hours looking and trying things on because of how many choices are available to me.  My only limitation now is self-imposed:  don't spend too much money because you don't know if you're going to shrink again.  

Sometimes the old fear of "what if I start gaining again and go back to where I was" creeps in, but I immediately wipe this negative message away and replace it with, "Nope, I won't let it happen again.  I can't."  No one can predict the future, of course, but now I know how to apply the information that was in front of me all along about food and losing weight and this will help me stay on track.  Even if I gain a few pounds in the future, I will never get as big as I was for so many years.  I REFUSE to give up on myself again!