People are conspiring with Fla against me!!!

For the past few months, Flaminia ("Fla"), my trainer, has been pushing me to start dating again.  She's been bugging me for months to set up a profile on match.com.  Since I had no interest whatsoever in doing that, Fla threatened that she'd do it for me as a Christmas present or a going-away gift before she moves to New York. 

I told her if she did, SHE would be the one dating the men, assuming any would even respond.  I begged her not to spend her money on something like that, and told her if she wanted to get me something, I'd get more out of a gift certificate for a Starbucks latte instead.  This week she flew out to Seattle for Christmas and she hadn't mentioned match.com for a while so I thought I was safe.  I should have known better!

A few hours after she left, match.com sent me a lovely email welcoming me to their website and informed me that a lunatic named Flaminia had gotten me a three-month membership.  I immediately texted said lunatic, "NOOOOOO!!!!!!"  It turned out she was sitting at the airport with nothing to do but finding ways to torment me.  UGH! 

I told several of my friends, "Look what my crazy Fla did!" expecting them to be outraged and side with me, but lo and behold, they ALL sided with HER!!!!  This week I had an appointment with my doctor (the one who lost over 100 lbs. years ago and whose input led me to join Total Woman where I met Fla and the rest is history) and he, too, sided with Fla!   

I feel like everyone's conspiring against me!!!  Good grief!!!

As my weight ballooned years ago, I went into self-imposed social isolation so the idea of dating or having a significant other was not even a consideration in my life any more.  It's so much easier not having to worry about what to wear or what you look like, too.  I closed off any idea or expectation of romance behind a steel door that I refused to open again.  In fact, I lost the key to that door years ago and I still have no desire to find it. 

Earlier this year, after I had lost a bunch of weight thanks to Fla, I started noticing men again.  I described under "My Transformation" the first time I realized this:  I was at a GNC store getting something Fla recommended and a very tall, young, nice looking man walked in and I found myself practically drooling over him (never mind that he was young enough to be my son!).  This familiar reaction that I had not experienced in many years surprised me and I texted Fla immediately that the "bad side effect" to losing weight was that it got me looking at men again.  But it was more a look-don't-touch type of feeling.  I still had no desire whatsoever to think about dating.

There's a man I've known for years who seemed to be interested in me a long time ago, but I never initiated anything.  In fact, I ran away from him like he was the plague itself.  I've seen him a few times over the last few years, but our business interactions have been short and infrequent.  In all honesty though, I'm an idiot when it comes to romance and I really don't know how to read the signs from the opposite sex anymore (if I ever did), so who knows if he was  interested.  It takes too much effort to figure out someone else's intentions so I find it easier to just ignore the situation and so I ran.

I have to admit though that Fla got me thinking about the whole men thing again.  (She'll never let me live it down once she reads that single sentence!  Good thing she'll be moving soon!)  Dang Fla's always pushing me to new things and I hate her for it!  I like my comfort zone.  It's quiet, easy, safe, predictable, and there's no drama - which is why it's called "comfort zone." 

However, I've noticed in the last few months that whereas in the past I hid from the world and absolutely dreaded the possibility of running into someone who didn't know I had gotten so huge, now I want everyone to see me so they can witness that I'm not a failure anymore.  It's not a conscious thing where I sit there thinking, "Okay, now I need to reveal myself to so and so and then to so and so," but it is something I notice I have an inkling of doing nowadays.

In any case, a few months ago I was running some errands and I made a point of going to see this man (he works nearby) to say hello and, truthfully, to be seen.  The last time we ran into each other, I hadn't yet met Fla and had only lost a meager amount of weight on my own.  When I stopped by to say hello, I wasn't dolled up or wearing anything special since I was planning to work out with Fla immediately afterwards.  We had a nice visit for a few minutes and he told me to call him in the future for lunch.  I haven't.  I told Fla about it which turned out to be a HUGE mistake because she became relentless in trying to get me to set up a lunch date with him.  She even tried to find out who he was and where he worked (I didn't fall for her "innocent" questions) so SHE could set up a lunch date for us.  Fla, the trainer, nutritionist, and matchmaker!  My crazy Fla.

The truth is that when I saw him recently, I was really disappointed because he's gained a lot of weight since our last meeting.  My reaction was not for the reason you might think though.  I don't care what he looks like and, in fact, he's a very handsome man, he's really nice, and he's very personable, too.  The fact that he's quite overweight doesn't bother me other than he's not being healthy for himself.  So why was I disappointed?  Self preservation!

When I saw him, I had an instant realization that had not occurred to me before.  Let me explain:  for me, dealing with my food addiction is a daily struggle.  To top it off, I also have a binging disorder (self diagnosed) which complicates matters.  As I go about my daily routine, I'm constantly planning, bargaining, and negotiating with myself when it comes to food.  It's a continual and never-ending struggle that goes on in my head every single day, all day long.  Although now that I'm on this side of the scale and it's easier to succeed, this personal struggle will never go away.  I have to be vigilant at all times.  I've been successful so far because I'm alone and I have full control over my exposure to food, restaurants, and outings.  I meet friends for lunch/dinner/functions periodically and I always blow my calories when I do, but I control the frequency of these outings so it hasn't been a concern.  

However, if I start dating, it would mean going out a lot more often than I do now and the consequences really scare me.  Would I be able to control myself?  More importantly, this is the question that I keep asking myself now:  what would happen to me if I'm dating someone who doesn't control his  food addiction?  Would I go back to my old eating habits?  Would I be able to resist if the "bad" foods I used to eat are in front of me all the time?  I'd like to think I'd be fine, but I honestly don't know.  And how about working out?  As much as I hate working out, I've made it part of my daily routine, but, honestly, it wouldn't take much for me to stop going altogether especially if there are more fun things to do instead.  What would happen to me if I start dating someone who doesn't work out?  Would I keep going on my own?  I don't know.

I've always been fiercely independent and I think for myself.  No one can make me do anything I don't want to do, particularly if I disagree with what they're doing.  I've never been a follower for the sake of following.  However, when it comes to food, all bets are off.  Food is my one weakness.  If I were to date someone who's not being healthy for himself, would I be able to fight the temptation of joining him in eating the types of foods that got me to the morbidly obese stage?

I realized at the moment I saw him that even if he were interested, I couldn't be because if I ever do date, I'll have to make sure he (whoever "he" might be) is living a healthy lifestyle, too.  This realization actually both surprised and disappointed me because now I would have to discriminate against someone who is like the old me used to be.  This was a completely new thing for me.  Fla mentioned that if I dated someone like the old me, that I could help him get healthy, too.  That's fine, but each person has to find their own commitment, you can't force it on someone.  What happens to me if he doesn't have that commitment or gives up altogether?  Will I give up, too?  

A friend (is she really a friend though because she's siding with Fla?!?!) recently reminded me that life is not an "all or nothing" situation.  She's right.  I know she is.  But the reality is that I've had a weight problem my entire life and for over a decade I lived in perpetual misery because I was in the morbidly obese range.  My recent new lifestyle which led me to succeed is only 3 years old.  In fact, the bulk of my success happened just in the last 13 months.  It's all relatively new for me still.  I remember very clearly what it was like, how I felt, and how hopeless life was living in obesity.  Being where I am today and after experiencing the new me, I can honestly say with 100% certainty that I would rather die than go back to the old me ever again.  So does it not make sense that I'd want to protect myself from any unnecessary temptation?    

I imagine a reformed alcoholic has to cut ties with friends and loved ones who like to party a lot because the temptation to fall off the wagon would be too strong.  Addiction is powerful.  It's always there.  The best we can do is learn to control it, but once it takes over, you literally have no control and it's scary because you don't know when you'll be able to win over it again.  On the one hand, I don't feel like I'll ever go back to the way I was because I'll continue to stay on track.  On the other hand, I NEVER take it for granted that it is - and always will be - a constant struggle to not revert to the old me. 

 

I still have another 20 lbs. I want to lose and it scares me to throw a wrench in the works before I get there.   I'm so close and I can't afford to get side tracked until I get there.  People often ask me what I'm going to do when I reach my goal.  I'm not sure what they're expecting me to do differently once I do.  All I know is that I want to get there. 

As for whether I'll ever use the match.com account that Fla got me, the answer right now is, "NOOOOOO!!!"  We'll see if I change my mind down the road.  I have three months to decide!