My Transformation

When I started my weight-loss journey in late 2012, I had no illusions I'd succeed, and - certainly - in my wildest dreams, I never imagined I'd be where I am today.  My metamorphosis has been gradual, but it's been an amazing experience so far.  Because I just dealt with my weight loss one day at a time, one week at a time and I didn't worry about the future, I really didn't consider the consequences of being successful as it applied to my every day life.  As a result, my journey has been full of pleasant and unexpected surprises.  Let me explain…

I knew that if I lost weight, obviously, my body would get smaller, but it never occurred to me I would shrink as fast or as much as I actually have so far.  For decades I was forced to buy bigger and bigger sizes until clothes shopping became a miserable, dreaded chore and I was grateful just to find anything to wear even if it was ugly. Since I began my journey, particularly after I started training with Flaminia ("Fla") in late 2014, my biggest problem has been keeping clothes.  I've had to get rid of ALL my clothes (and I mean everything) several times over as I keep shrinking and my clothes become too baggy to wear within a few months.  The only clothing items I've kept all along are socks and shoes!  The speed in which my body is shrinking has been mind blowing.  I never would have guessed it'd be possible, especially at my age.

For years I wore the same drab, boring, ugly clothes in blacks, dark blues, and grays because I didn't care what I looked like.  Now I find myself gravitating to colorful shirts that are splashed with flowers and bright designs.  Also, instead of my normal baggy clothing because it was comfortable, now I'm opting for more body-hugging garments even though it still feels unfamiliar to be doing that. 

I've been shrinking my way out of the "plus size" shops I frequented for so long.  I used to resent that I could only shop at a handful of stores, but now I felt like I was losing an old friend.  The first time I realized that I wouldn't be able to get my clothes from my regular shops before too long, for a split second I panicked, "Where am I going to buy clothes NOW?!"  Then it dawned on me:  from anywhere I want!

Within the first couple of months of my journey, I noticed that I was fitting better in my car, I didn't have to worry about fitting in restaurant booths or chairs either.  Speaking of chairs, there's a particular style of plastic lawn chairs that seem to be everywhere (to taunt me, I'm sure) that I've hated for years because they were so uncomfortable.  Every time I see them in restaurant patios, someone's home, or a waiting room, I groan in dread.  Any time I had to sit in one, I felt like a sausage and worried that if I got up too quickly, the chair would come with me.  I used to visualize taking these chairs - all of them that exist in the world - to some empty field and crushing them with a steam roller.  Even now that I can fit in them without any problem, I still hate them with a passion because of how they made me feel for so long.  I think they should be outlawed!

I've been discovering my (new) body in ways I never have before.  A few months ago, I emailed my friends, "Guess what I have now???  Calves!!!!"  With all the working out I've been doing, I finally developed calves which I never had before and I'm seeing muscle definition all over I didn't know was possible.  I still don't like exercising any more than I ever did, but I just love the results. 

The most amazing consequence of my weight loss has been feeling my bones.  Suddenly I can feel my hip bones, my rib cage, my spine, and from the neck down to my waist, I'm so boney now that I can't stop touching my shoulders, chest, and especially my back.  I don't remember ever being able to feel my bones the way I can now.  As the fat cushion all over my body disappears, I'm left with bones I can feel just below the surface of my skin.  I love it!   I jokingly told my friends, "I can't stop touching myself!"  I wait for a reaction, and then I explain that no, I don't mean it THAT way, it's my bones I can't stop touching!  Who knew I had a skeleton buried underneath all that obesity?!

There have been other subtle changes I've been experiencing, too.  For example, I hadn't been able to cross my legs when I sat down for over a decade because my thighs were so big.  A few months ago I realized that I could again so now I cross my legs every chance I get.  It reminds me how far I've come.

Emotionally and spiritually, the way I feel today compared to how I felt for decades before, it's night and day.  I can't remember ever feeling this terrific ever before.   People tell me that I look happy, that I'm always smiling now, and some have said I'm almost glowing. 

I also realized as my mood improved that I was no longer as angry or irritable as I had been.  I had no idea I was until I wasn't any more.  It felt like a big burden had been lifted off me, physically and spiritually, literally and figuratively.

My energy levels are continually improving, too.  I used to sleep all the time and had no energy to do anything.  I couldn't even remember what it felt like to have energy.  I was bored, but too lethargic to change things.  Not anymore!  There are days that I'm climbing out of my skin (and bones!) because I have so much energy, I just want to go and do something.  

Where I just plodded around my house moving my big body around, now I'm dancing around my house when I hear a song I like.  In fact, when I take walks outside, I'm singing along to my iPod music and practically dancing, too.  The old me wouldn't have been caught dead drawing attention like that to herself. 

I think with women, our hair reflects how we feel.  For years I had the same haircut, just a boring straight cut, and even then I wore it in a pony tail pretty much all the time.  Who cared.  A couple of months ago, after losing about 95 lbs., I chopped off my hair into a flattering do.  I contemplated doing that before, especially for summer, but with a small head and big body, I figured I'd look like a pinhead.  I kept visualizing the scene at the end of the movie "Beetlejuice" where they're in the waiting room and Beetlejuice sits next to a big man whose head was shrunken by a voodoo doctor.  However, now that I'm no longer "morbidly obese," it was okay to get a short do.  I've gotten so many compliments that it boosts my ego like no food ever could, not even my beloved pastries and cakes.

The first indication that I was feeling good about myself was when I started uttering words I NEVER thought would ever come out of my mouth when I went to the doctor's:  Can I use your scale?  I was eager to weigh myself to compare the accuracy of my own scale.  All these years I had completely refused to get weighed and now I was voluntarily asking to weigh myself?  Incredible!   I used to dread doctor appointments because I anticipated the "you're obese, you have to lose weight" discussion, but now I looked forward to my appointments so my doctors could see I was finally doing something about my weight.  The excited reactions from all my doctors have been amazing.

A completely unexpected thing happened to me when I started seeing major results after working with Fla:  I started looking at men again.  Whoa!  Where did THAT come from?  I just felt so miserable for so long that I gave up meeting anyone.  There's a documentary called When Strangers Click (2011) about online dating.  When people were asked whom they were most afraid of meeting, women said, "A serial killer."  Men said, "Someone fat."  It wasn't worth even trying to meet anyone.

The first time my new outlook about men came to a realization was when I went to a GNC store to buy something Fla recommended.  First of all, ME in a health store?  Me???   If I had walked into a health store as huge as I was, I would've felt like a fraud, but now I felt like I belonged there.  That in itself was amazing enough, but on one particular occasion, a tall, young, good looking man walked in and I caught myself thinking, "Oooo!"  I laughed at myself when I realized that I may feel 20 years younger, but my numerical age is still in the 50s, and this man was young enough to be my son!   I texted Fla from the store, "You know what the bad side effect of losing weight is?   I'm looking at men again!"

For decades I didn't look at myself in any reflection, such as store windows, glass doors, etc.  I learned to avert my eyes because whenever I caught a glimpse of my image, I'd think, "Oh, my God!  THAT's what I look like???!"  That has changed.  When I'm out and about, I actually seek out reflective surfaces so I can see how far I've come.  I no longer cringe at my image, instead I marvel at my transformation and can't wait to see how much better I'll look as I continue my journey.   

It's been so long since I even considered having a different future other than being fat and miserable that it shocks and excites me now to think of the endless opportunities in front of me.  For years I wanted to learn how to sail, I wanted to go to the beach like I did when I was younger, I wanted to travel to Italy and England which I've wanted to do forever.  All of these things were filed in the "I can't do that because I’m too fat" file, but now what's to stop me?

The biggest surprise so far has been motivating people just by walking in.  I did this for me, it never occurred to me that my accomplishments might help someone else.  There have been so many people who knew me as a 300-lb. woman who want to know how I succeeded, as if I found a key no one else could find, and later many told me that I inspired them to work on their own weight.  This has been the best reward ever!

I feel like I've been freed from some type of prison.  A self-imposed prison though.  My biggest regret is that it took me until my 50s to do something about my obesity.  I'm angry that I robbed myself of so many opportunities and life experiences, it infuriates me now when I think of it.  I did it to myself though.  The worst part is my misery was caused by food!  Just food!  When I watch TV shows featuring obese people where most can't even walk properly, and some have been bed ridden for years (how tragic it is to hear someone hasn't left their bed for years simply because they're too large to stand or walk and that to do so they need a bunch of paramedics to help them), it's incredible to me that the culprit was just food!  Why do we do this to ourselves?   No one forces us to stuff our bodies with food, even for those people who have enablers, we do it to ourselves.  It's truly criminal how we treat ourselves sometimes.

I hope anyone who has to lose a lot of weight who might be reading this that they don't waste any more years.  Please, please, please do something about your weight NOW!  Stop wasting your life like I did!