Peer pressure at the gym

Going to the gym is a humiliating experience when you're morbidly obese (or, God forbid, super morbidly obese).  In general, you already feel self-conscious about how you look but there are certain places, like the gym, where that's especially pronounced... 

In my case, I felt like everyone was thinking, "Yeah, right, you work out.  Like we believe that!" as I was walking towards the gym, let alone once I entered its front doors.  Ironically, those of us who are overweight or obese are the ones who need to go to the gym the most, but we're often too embarrassed to try.

It's not even the issue of working out to lose weight - especially since there's research now showing exercise doesn't necessarily help in losing weight, it's the emotional consequences of not trying or of giving up that are at play here.  The fact that I kept going to the gym despite not being able to do much initially and didn't give up and the fact that I saw continual improvement in my strength, endurance, and ability gave me a great deal of confidence, something that bleeds into the rest of my life.  Confidence is an incredible feeling and motivator.

Whenever the old me envisioned going to any gym, I visualized thin, young, beautiful people wearing the most attractive workout clothes sold, sweating their way to becoming even better and more attractive human beings in a graceful, attractive manner.  I never envisioned obese people struggling to do the simplest exercises because they were starting out and they were completely out of shape.  In other words, I never envisioned people like me at the gym.  My perception was only strengthened by ads online, on TV, and in magazines.  When a gym advertises their facilities, I don't remember regular people EVER being featured working out.  Instead, I only see washboard abs, defined biceps and triceps, tight glutes, thin waists, and lovely legs on women and strong muscular legs on men.  It's human nature to compare ourselves to everyone around us so is it any wonder that those of us who are very overweight/obese might feel uncomfortable entering such a facility?  Considering that 69% of Americans are overweight, how fair is it to only show the remaining 31% in their ads and make the rest of us feel inferior?  We ARE the "regular" people in effect.     

The one advantage to getting older is that by the time I reached my 50s, I was so experienced at being embarrassed or, worse, humiliated in so many different ways (not always related to my weight issues either) that very little embarrasses me anymore.  I've gotten better at brushing things off and moving on.  Good thing, too, or I'd never leave the house!  I've even learned to laugh at myself from time to time.  It's emotionally healthier than being mortified and stifling myself from doing more for fear of being embarrassed further.

When I started going to the gym, first to Curves and then to Total Woman ("TW"), I knew I couldn't do much physically because I was so big and so out of shape after many years of being sedentary.  Of course, every time I used their equipment or did any floor exercise, all doubt of my abilities was removed and my limitations were confirmed.  In the past, these limitations made me give up.  It didn't occur to me that, of course, I had to start slow and eventually I'd improve.  The only caveat to improving was that I had to keep going and keep trying.

This time around, I told myself, "Embarrassment to hell!" and I just went on my merry way.  My goal was to do my personal best and keep improving on that.  I didn't care what other people looked like, what they could do, what they were doing, or what they thought of me.  I just went and did my own thing and I kept track of my improvements for myself.  It helped that TW was a women-only gym because women of all ages, shapes, and sizes go there and I feel comfortable there. 

When I exercise, I'm a spaz.  I have almost no coordination whatsoever, which explains why I'm normally a klutz and I'm always falling.  My trainer, Flaminia ("Fla"), is always telling me to be "more graceful" or "elegance, please" as I'm working out with her, but I always tell her, "It's impossible for me to be coordinated, concentrate on squeezing this or that, count, and remember to breathe while suffering…I can't also be elegant or graceful!  Something's gotta give!"   In essence, I go and do the best that I can do.

There was one particular time when I broke my own rule of worrying only about myself and it came back to bite me on the butt.  Several months ago I was on the treadmill struggling to keep up to my new speed of 3.2 m.p.h.  I was pretty full of myself for being able to improve yet again on the speed.  I envisioned myself to be quite the sight:  arms flailing, legs going everywhere, feet clumping on the treadmill belt with a thud on every step, sweat pouring down my face, hair flying, my face turning beet red from the exertion.  But that was okay, I was there, I was exercising, I had increased my speed because I was improving, and that's all that mattered.   

For some reason, on this particular occasion, I noticed a young woman on the treadmill next to me.  I hadn't noticed anyone before and I can't say why I noticed her specifically.  She was walking slowly on the treadmill as though she were strolling near a lovely lake while looking at the scenery.  She was texting on her cell phone and didn't seem to be aware that the conveyor belt below her feet kept moving at the same rhythm because she was so into her texting.  She just continued to stroll gracefully and effortlessly.  I remember thinking, "Wow, I'm like twice her age and I'm working my butt off while she's just strolling on the treadmill."  I felt so good about myself…until I saw the setting on her machine.  We both had the exact  settings:  3.2 m.p.h., no inclination.   In the past I probably would've felt like what I was doing wasn't good enough, but this time I just started laughing at myself.  Here this woman was barely exerting herself and I was nearly dying in a spastic manner at the same exact speed as she.  Oh, well.  I just laughed and kept on with my spastic workout.

I've also noticed at the gym the old me in various people who get discouraged and don't return.  For example, in my various spinning classes, I've seen a handful of overweight/obese women who are trying spin for the first time.  It's commendable that they're there in the first place and I always want to say to them, "You should be so proud of yourself for being here!"  The mistake they make (in my opinion), is that they fight with all their might to stay up with the class and, of course, they can't.  In all cases, these women end up leaving class before the halfway point.  Although they didn’t say it to me, I guarantee you they felt defeated and embarrassed.  The additional mistake they make is they never return to future classes either.  It could be, of course, that they're attending different classes than me, but I seriously doubt it. 

That's what I always did before:  I'd try hard to stay up with everyone else, of course I couldn't, I'd feel like a failure, I'd give up, and never returned because I was too embarrassed.  This is the biggest mistake those of us who are fighting weight issues can make!   It's when we fail that we need to keep going because eventually we'll see improvement, but we have to keep trying.  The key is to never give up.  

 

This time what worked for me was to start slow and build on it.  When I started attending spin classes for the first time in my life (only because Fla forced me to), all I could do was pedal at the lowest resistance possible.  I knew I could never keep up with the class so my goal was to keep pedaling and finish the class, which is what I did.  Eventually I was able to increase the tolerance, the speed, and now I'm even able to stand up like everybody else.  It took many months and I still have a long way to go, but I'm getting better at it.  The key was I didn't give up.

A couple of people recently told me I was "relying too much on exercise to lose weight."  I found this hilarious considering I've spent a lifetime being sedentary and people told me I had to exercise.  Now that I'm exercising like never before, some people are telling me I shouldn't?  Good grief, you just can't win!  The one thing I've learned in my old age is that if you ask five people the same question, you're bound to get three or five different answers.  At this point in my life, I do what is right for ME.  There's that old saying (a John Lydgate quote), "You can please some of the people all of the time, you can please all of the people some of the time, but you can't please all of the people all of the time."  The only one I have to please is myself.   What exercise does for me is it makes me feel terrific!   In addition to all the benefits I mentioned above, I'm seeing muscle definition all over I never thought possible, especially at my age, too. 

My advice to those who want to join a gym but feel too self-conscious to do so is this:  stop worrying about everybody else and improve your life.  Do it for yourself.  You have to start somewhere, it won't be easy, improvement won't happen overnight, but if you keep going, you'll be amazed at how better you get!  Why allow a bunch of strangers who don't matter to your life make you feel unworthy?  In most cases, these feelings of inadequacy are only in our heads anyway.  Just keep trying and don't give up!  It's so worth it.