Struggling again (binging)

People often ask me how I conquered binging.  The reality is I haven't figured out how to stop binging, although I've learned to control it better - but only just a little bit and only sometimes.  I still struggle from time to time when life gets me down...

My triggers are always the same negative emotions:  stress, anger, frustration, sadness, disappointment, self doubt, and/or depression that usually stem from situations out of my control.  Mostly, it's the unfairness of life that can send me into a tailspin.  Any of these emotions, and God help me if I feel several at once, can set me off into a binging episode that can last a few hours to several days.  This has been true during my entire weight-loss journey. 

I always think of myself in two parts:  my logical self and my emotional self.  When life gets me down, the logical part of me is really smart, realistic, and doesn't worry about things too much because she always finds a solution to problems.  At the very least, the logical side of me understands that most problems are temporary and they eventually work themselves out in one way or another.  The emotional side of me, however, can be completely unreasonable, needy, unrealistic, melancholy, despondent, and usually pushes logic out the window.  The emotional side of me always seems to win, at least initially.  By the time my logical side takes over again, the damage (i.e., binging) has already been done.

A few months ago I found myself standing in front of the fridge one night with the door open, stuffing my face like I hadn't seen food in months.  It happened again during the next few nights.  The old me never tried to get to the root of my binging, I just kept eating until I felt pacified which, of course, I never did.  The new me, however, wanted to know what happened that triggered the binging.  After analyzing my days, I realized that during the day I was perfectly fine emotionally and stayed within my calories without any problem, but then in the evenings, for some reason, I started gorging.  It was then I realized the culprit was, once again, my rude neighbors on my bedroom side, a situation I can't control. 

Having to endure incredibly loud, rude neighbors on a regular basis, particularly when I'm trying to sleep, always brings to light a flood of other negative feelings.  I start feeling slighted by the universe.  Why am I so lucky to have neighbors who live their lives as though they're the only ones on the planet while I don't bother anyone around me?  Why can't I have considerate, quiet neighbors the same as they enjoy?  It's not bad enough I already hate my house, I can't even enjoy it at all thanks to third parties?  How is that fair?!  

Then there's also the feeling of being trapped in a money-pit old house I hate, being disappointed in my life, and feeling sorry for myself.  The only difference now is I don't have to deal with the added burden of being morbidly obese to boot.

So as is often the case, one negative event triggers a flood of negative emotions that can send me into a tailspin of binging. 

In this particular binging episode, on the third night when I found myself once again standing in front of the fridge with the door open and I was foraging for food - any food, I stopped and asked myself, "Are you hungry or are you angry and frustrated?"  The answer was clear so at that point I closed the fridge door and I said out loud, "You are NOT hungry, you are stressed!  You are NOT going to eat!"  By sheer determination, I stopped myself from eating.  Instead, I made some hot tea and drank it while fuming over the unfairness of the universe upon my life. 

From then on, when I suddenly got the urge to eat, particularly when it was a blind, desperate need for food, I asked myself whether I was hungry or emotions were the culprit.  If it was the latter, which it often was, I expended my negative energy by doing something productive, like going for a walk, or scrubbing the kitchen floor or the oven.  I can't tell you how many times I was doing something "productive" in the middle of the night thanks to my horrible neighbors when I should've been sleeping, but at least I wasn't eating.  This tactic worked most of the time in preventing an imminent binging episode, but not always.

Sometimes, it doesn't work at all.  A few people told me that what they like about my blog is the honesty that comes through.  So with that sentiment in mind, I have to admit that I've been struggling the last few weeks.  As is often the case, several things triggered it.  In addition to dealing with my rude neighbors, I had the added joy of dealing with other frustrations at the same time:

Despite working out regularly and being good on my calories, the scale hasn't budged at all.  I've been stuck between 189 and 192 lbs. for several weeks.  I'm so close to my goal weight of 160 lbs. that it seems especially unfair to be stuck yet again when I'm working so hard at it.  Although I have no intentions of giving up, it's truly frustrating. 

It didn't help that the weather had been brutally hot day in and day out for a couple of months either.  Hot weather makes me irritable because I don’t have central A/C and it means being stuck in my bedroom next to the window A/C unit just to stay cool.  It's unbearable to do anything else.  Talk about boring!  Forget about using the kitchen so I have to make do to eat healthy meals while not reverting to the easiest choices of fast food or processed foods. 

After much needed rain, I awoke one morning to find my back yard flooded for the millionth time.  I've been dealing with a flooded back yard every winter for years.  I had a small drain installed years ago but it often became clogged with a couple of leaves from my neighbor's tree.  I can't tell you how many times I was out there in the middle of the night getting soaked while I unclogged it so my garage wouldn't flood.  Two years ago I spent $3,500 to have an electric pump installed to divert the gallons of water that accumulate on the lowest point of my property (right in front of my garage) to the street.  I needed a new driveway and it was the perfect opportunity to have a pump installed because the pipes to run the water out would go underneath.  Problem solved, right?  Not when it comes to my old house it isn't.  

On this particular morning, I awoke to find that the pump wasn't working and because the old drain was no longer available, the flooding was pretty bad.  Because it was threatening to rain again later and the water was already starting to go into my garage, I had to cancel my plans so that I could spend the next two hours bailing out gallons and gallons of water with a bowl and a bucket.  You have no idea how it depresses me to have to keep dealing with the same issue over and over again, particularly when I thought I had resolved it once and for all.  I called a couple of repairmen but none could come out until the following day.  That gave me a full day of worrying about what the problem could be.  Did I need a new pump and, if so, how much would that cost?  Was it the wiring under my two-year old cement driveway?  Did that mean having to break into the cement?  Was it the electrical switch at the main circuit breaker which could be costly?  In the end, it turned out to be a bad switch that was repaired quickly and although it was pricey, it was not nearly as expensive as I anticipated.

In addition to also dealing with my rude neighbors, repairs needed to my old house, I also had an unexpected costly dental issue.  More money out the window.  I always seem to have to deal with unexpected large expenses when I'm trying to save money.  It didn't help that my 401K was losing money as well.  When it comes to my finances, it always seems I move forward two steps, only to go back three steps due to no fault of mine.  It's not only depressing on its own, it brings forth the horrifying thought that I'll be trapped in my present situation for the rest of my life which, in turn, is accompanied by a slew of additional negative emotions. 

And then, the cherry on the cake.  For a couple of weeks, I was stressing over whether my cat, Phoenix, has cancer or not.  On the same day I was dealing with my flooded back yard and my unexpected dental issues, I was informed that the biopsy confirmed Phoenix does in fact have cancer in her jaw.  The vet said if we're lucky, Phoenix has a "good" six months.  This news seems especially unfair considering I lost Chaos less than a year ago.  The only saving grace is that I have time to say good-bye to Phoenix when I didn't have that option with Chaos.  At this point, you're probably wondering, "How many cats does she have?!"   I started with four, now I have three, and after Phoenix passes, I'll have two, Callisto and Casper.  They were all rescues who found their way into my life and they've all been incredible companions to me.  They're the main things that bring me joy so losing any of them is traumatic.  It just seems unfair.

So as it happens often, when several things hit me at once, my unreasonable, emotional side rises to the surface and the result is I end up struggling with my food addiction.  The biggest difference in how I deal with binging now is that I no longer feel like a failure when I get derailed.  During this journey, I knew I had to rewire my brain as to how I perceive my transgressions or I'd never succeed.  Feeling like a failure or, worse, feeling disgusted with myself can only compound the binging problem. 

Like I said throughout my blog, I don't strive to be perfect because I know I could never be when it comes to food.  I just try to do better.  When I do get derailed, I take it in stride and I don't berate myself for it.  I recognize that forces out of my control caused me a momentary lapse in my journey, and that the most important thing is to never give up, brush it off, and get back on track as soon as possible.  

Because of my new outlook on binging, I know it's only a temporary situation whereas before binging was part of my daily life, which is why I was able to maintain a 300-pound frame for more than a decade.  Yes, dealing with outside forces out of my control continues to cause me much grief, but at least I'm not also having to deal with the added burden of feeling like I'm failing myself, too. 

Additionally, when I binge now, I usually (not always) eat healthier foods than before.  Whereas my old self binged on empty calories such as cake, pastries, chips, ice cream, cookies, crackers, pizza, pasta, and other "bad" foods, I now mostly binge on fruit, nuts, protein bars, or having an additional meal I shouldn't have.  These momentary lapses are the exact reason why I can't keep certain foods in the house.  This has helped keep the damage from binging to a minimum.  Even though I do gain a few pounds from the extra calories, the gain isn't as overwhelmingly bad as it would be had I eaten empty calories like I always did before.  As a result, once I get back on track, I'm able to lose these added pounds quickly and I can continue on my journey.

This particular post has been incredibly hard to write and I've been working on it for days.  Throughout my blog I talk about succeeding and here I am talking about struggling again.  I didn't want people to lose any inspiration by learning that I'm struggling at this point of my journey.  The reality is that losing weight is a daily struggle fraught with learning experiences, trial and error, and some transgressions.  I know what it is to give up because I did it for so long.  In this post, I wanted to explain what I'm going through while at the same time hoping it comes across that we are all going to get derailed from time to time and that's okay.  The key is to never give up on ourselves and keep trying.  Despite my current struggles, I have no doubt I'll continue to succeed.