Kids in a candy store

Whenever my job sent me out of town to attend a meeting, a training class, or a seminar, it always fascinated me that I was the only one in the group not  obsessed with food.  It never failed, the number one topic among my co-workers every day was, "Where are we going to eat?"

Entire discussions were centered around what that particular city was known for as far as food was concerned.  People researched restaurants nearby, asked the locals for the best this or that, listened to recommendations from people who had travelled to that particular city before, etc.  I didn't care.  I just went wherever everybody else went for the company.  Frankly, no matter where I went or what I ate, I usually found the food to be mediocre at best anyway.  

Something I discovered years ago is that those of us who know how to cook seem to be more discerning about what we consider to be "good" restaurant food, too.  I don't know how many times people raved about a specific restaurant or a particular dish and the whole time I was eating whatever it was wherever we were, I was thinking, "THIS  is what you consider great food?  Seriously??!!!"   Steak houses are a particular disappointment to me.

 

I'm not much of a beef eater, but when I was in Bolivia for work over twenty years ago, I was eating steak morning, noon, and night.  It was Argentinean beef and I've never tasted anything as delicious in the U.S. before or since.  I've been to revered steak houses in Los Angeles, New York, Texas, and other states in the U.S. and although the food was good, there has been absolutely no comparison to what I tasted in South America. 

The only time I found the food to be exceptional when travelling within the U.S. is when my friend and I vacationed in New Orleans over ten years ago.  In fact, even though I never ate seafood at the time, I couldn't get enough of it in New Orleans.  What they did to food there was magic because even a simple breakfast was delicious. 

Going on road trips, whether for personal or work reasons, elicited the same obsession with food in others.  The other people in the car would always show up with bags full of junk food:  candy bars, chips, cookies, etc.  Or if we stopped off at a gas station that had a small mart on the premises, they'd come out with junk food.  Whenever I had to drive long distances, whether by myself or with others, it never occurred to me to get junk food.  The only thing I always had to have though was a diet soda from the nearest fast food place before hitting the road.  I couldn't start my trip without one, and while on the road, if I had finished my soda, I was scanning the horizon for fast food places to get another one.

In any case, I always found it ironic that I was usually the heaviest person in the group (definitely the  heaviest after my weight ballooned) yet I was the only one who really didn't care where we went or what we ate.  Food was not that important to me, which is ironic considering my size, especially after I went beyond the 250s.  I used to ask myself, "How is it that these people are obsessed with food and they're a normal size?"  This always perplexed me. 

It wasn't until I started my weight-loss journey that it dawned on me what was going on:  these people were normal size because they were watching their weight and were careful about what they ate on a daily basis.  When they went out of town, however, all bets were off and they were like children in a candy store.  Being away from home was their excuse to play.  I, on the other hand, ate whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted every single day so going out of town was no different for me.  It suddenly made sense to me why I was the biggest one in the group and why I was the only one not obsessing where we'd eat during trips.

The new me is like my travelling companions used to be.  I get it now.  During my journey, I've been relatively good, I watch my calories, track my meals, plan my meals, and I eat healthy almost every day.  I had to, otherwise I would never have been able to lose over 120 lbs.  Although I haven't done any travelling just yet, nowadays when I go out to eat with friends, I feel like a kid in a candy store.  When there's a mention of going out to eat, my mind gets excited about the possibilities of what's out there.  Once we get to the restaurant of choice, my eyes go over every item on the menu and I greedily want one of everything.  

I also noticed that food generally tastes better now, too.  I guess when you stop eating bad foods all the time, your taste buds become more discriminating and they can actually taste regular food again.  As I explained in "So what do you eat?" sodas were part of my daily consumption for decades.  In fact, I never drank anything but sodas.  Water?  Why would anyone drink something that's tasteless?  Unless it came in my coffee, I never touched water.  Then in 2010 I gave up sodas completely.  It was hard, but I did it.  After over a year of not drinking a single soda, I tried them again a couple of times as a "treat" but found that they tasted like dirt to me.  Literally, like dirt.  Now the idea of drinking a soda grosses me out which is amazing considering they were the only fluids that sustained me for decades.

 

Because I don't eat out too often anymore, I allow myself to splurge when I do.  During my journey, going out to eat really scared me because I didn't know if I could contain myself or whether I'd lose control.  I feared that one indiscretion would lead me to go hog wild from then on.  It wasn't until recently that I realized I would be okay.  As time progressed and I kept seeing success on the scale despite dealing with various struggles or food infractions, I was no longer worried (too much) about eating out.  Invariably, I always blow my calories when I do, never mind my sodium levels.  Eating out regularly is the worst thing you can do when you're trying to lose weight, but once in a while it's okay.  On those days that I eat out with friends, it seems I just can't stop eating for the rest of the day either.  I don't really worry about it though because I don't eat out often and I know I'll be back on track the following day.  

I'm at a point nowadays where I've been so successful with my weight-loss journey that a small infraction now and then doesn't bother me, I don't feel like a failure, and I know I'm not giving up on my journey.  It's just a small deviation I allow myself periodically.  With that said, however, I'm not referring to binging episodes which are very scary even now because I feel completely out of control and I struggle to keep these episodes from causing too much damage until I can get myself back under control.  When I'm being taken over by my binging disorder, I just never know when I can get back on track.  It's almost like I'm possessed by an uncontrollable force.  In these situations, I try not to eat out because I have enough trouble keeping myself in check as it is and I don't need to make things worse.

If it were up to Flaminia ("Fla"), my trainer, I would never eat out ever again for the rest of my life.  On the rare occasions where I have two dates with friends during the same week, she always says, "Oh, no, no, no!  I don't like that at all."  I always tell her, "Fla, I have to live!" and she says, "No, you don't."  At this point I usually tell her she's giving me mixed signals because on the one hand she wants me to start dating again (which would mean eating out more) and on the other hand she doesn't want me to live.  Good grief!

All joking aside though, I do allow myself an infraction now and then because I know I'll be back on track the next day.  I always, always gain weight during my infractions, but it's only a few pounds and I lose them again quickly enough once I get back on track.  Because I had to change my perception of how I view weight gain (small gains though), particularly when it's of my own doing, I don't dwell on it anymore.  I learned a long time ago that depriving myself completely is the worst thing I can do because then I start obsessing about what I told myself I can't eat and then I end up sabotaging myself.  However, if I make the conscious decision to allow myself an infraction from time to time, I'm not depriving myself and, consequently, I don't obsess about foods I can't have.  Nor do I feel like a failure or, worse, disgusted with myself.  Allowing myself such infrequent deviations allow me to brush off any weight gain and move on.  It seems I have to be rebellious now and then, even from my own, self-imposed rules.

The most important lesson I've learned during my weight-loss journey has been all about compromising and bargaining with myself.  There's a constant discussion going on in my head about what I can and cannot eat.  There's a lot of planning every single day and throughout the day. 

The compromising happens when I choose healthier meals when I do eat out.  I no longer eat the rich pasta dishes with creamy sauces (my birthday dinner with Fla last month was the exception), the prime rib meal with the loaded baked potato, I only take a handful of chips at Mexican restaurants and once those are gone I won't have more, and I no longer eat tons of bread from the bread basket that the server keeps refilling.  Whereas before I'd sometimes order an alcoholic drink, I rarely do now particularly a mixed drink which is much higher in calories than a glass of wine.  I often compromise in my head that, for example, if I'm going to eat some bread, I can't have a drink, too.  And definitely, I don't have dessert any more either.  If I know ahead of time what restaurant we're visiting, I'll check their menu online to review the calories to make a wiser choice.  Earlier this week I had lunch with a friend and instead of getting my favorite pasta dish at that restaurant, I chose to have a veggie burger and because the burger came with a bun, I didn't have any bread from the basket.  Even with the bun, the total meal was a fraction of the calories my favorite pasta dish contains.  This compromising with myself allows me to join friends for a meal while still staying relatively on track. 

   

The bargaining comes in after an infraction.  This is the time I tell myself, "Okay, you ate out yesterday, you over ate, you gained weight.  It's okay.  Now it's time to get back on track for the next week and you can't go out again until you lose what you gained."  My general practice now is to spread out my dates with friends so that I'm not eating out regularly.  Yes, it's more fun to go out with friends than it is to eat alone at home or in my car, but I can have the best of both worlds if I compromise. 

 

Those of us who have a food addiction are confronted with our demise every day of our lives.  We can't get away from food so we have to learn to deal with our compulsion.  What works for me personally is to not deprive myself completely, to continually compromise and bargain with myself, and, most importantly, to get back on track immediately.

Now that my life has improved and I have a future, I plan to travel again after I reach my goal weight.  On the one hand, it scares me to think that on vacation I'll be eating pretty much out all the time because I know I'll gain weight.  There's still that little part of me that doubts I can control myself being away from home for several days.  Can children in a candy store control themselves?  On the other hand, I've come so far and have done so well for so long, I know that getting back on track is my new lifestyle.  I have no other choice and the rewards are priceless.