Good Lord! Is that really me?

An interesting thing happened this week:  Yahoo sent me an email offering to feature me on their website as a success story!  Ironically, I almost deleted the email when I saw it in my inbox, thinking it was just a notice of their updated guidelines or perhaps an ad.  As luck would have it, I was at the gym waiting for Tunde, my trainer, to arrive and decided to read the email just to kill some time.

Some months ago, perhaps even a year ago, Yahoo featured a story about someone who had lost a lot of weight.  At the bottom of the article, there was a request for other similar stories and I sent in a little blurb on a whim.  I don't recall what I said, but I believe it was only a few sentences at most.  I don't remember how much I weighed at the time either, but if it was indeed last year, I would have been about 20 lbs. heavier than I am now.  At the time, I figured Yahoo received a ton of responses and mine fell through the cracks when I didn't hear back, and I promptly forgot I even answered their request.

Imagine my surprise when out of the blue I got an email this week requesting I fill out a questionnaire about my plight and that I send them some "before" and "after" photos as well.  My initial reaction was complete humiliation.  The idea that, assuming they ever featured me on their website, thousands of people might read about my biggest failure in life would be just too mortifying.  This is exactly how I felt when Flaminia, the young woman who changed my life, suggested I start a blog about my journey and exactly how I felt when my blog ended up on the internet.  At first I thought of not responding to Yahoo at all, but I started thinking of all the people who've flocked to me in the last couple of years wanting to know how I lost the weight, asking the same questions over and over again, so they could do it, too.  With that in mind, I sent Yahoo a write-up answering their questions.  Besides, my plight was already posted on the internet, what's a little more exposure?

As for photos, a few months ago both my cell phone and computer crashed within days of each other and I lost data because, of course, I hadn't backed up my files for quite some time.  Luckily, technicians were able to back up most of my files from my computer even though it was beyond repair.  Whatever was in my cell phone, however, was gone into the ether forever.

In an effort to meet Yahoo's request, I started reviewing all my back-up drives to see what photos I still had and I inadvertently came across this one which I didn't even know existed.  It was taken by a friend in June 2008 when we went to the zoo.  It appears I transferred the photos from that excursion to my hard drive without looking at them because I don't remember seeing this one at all.  One thing's for certain:  I had no idea this particular photo was snapped because in those days I didn't allow photos of me to be taken.  Had I seen it, it would have haunted me the way it's haunting me now after finding it, eight years later.

When this photo popped up on my computer screen, I was horrified.  THIS was me????  Seriously?  Good Lord!  But, of course, it is me - at least (thankfully) the "old" me.  Like I've explained a few times throughout my blog, not only did I not allow photos to be taken of me in those days, I didn't look at my reflected image either particularly when I was out in public.  The mirrors in my house lie because they didn't seem to show me what I really looked like and it was a disheartening shock to see myself in reflected surfaces away from home, such as a store window or glass door, or - God forbid - in a photograph that freezes that horrible image for prosperity.

This particular photograph has been haunting me since I found it a few days ago.  I can't stop seeing it in my mind's eye.  It's one of those rude awakening moments when you clearly see yourself for the first time in ages and it's not a pretty sight at all.  Although this person is smiling, I know she was unhappy and miserable.  I know she wasn't comfortable in her own body or to be out in the world.  I remember how difficult life was to her.  I remember her insecurities and how self conscious she was whenever she walked out her front door.  She is a stranger to me now, yet remnants of her will always be in the back of my mind.

I'm actually glad now that this photo exists because I don't have many "before" photos to prove where I used to be, or how far I've come.  There are several emotions that hit me all at once when I look at it:  deep sadness that I let myself get this big in the first place, and I can't help wonder how many opportunities I missed out in life because of it.  The sadness is suddenly replaced with true pride that I was able to work hard and succeed.  I'm grateful that I didn't allow myself to wither and die completely for this, the last chapter of my life.  It also reminds me that I never, ever want to get to this stage again.  People have told me many times these last few years, "You should be so proud of yourself!" about my success, and I am.  My hard work paid off and I gained my life back.  Now it's time to put my story out there in the hopes that my trials and tribulations may help others who are today in the same place that this woman in the photo was then.

In any case, here's the photo I've been describing.  I would have been about 300 lbs. here.  Remember that at 5'10, I carried the weight a bit better than most, too.  I can't even begin to imagine what I would have looked like were I shorter in stature: